Trouble Writing

My gut wrenches as my heart wants to tell my diagnosis story but I battle for words, never imagining it to be this hard, sharing the deep trenches of my heart story. Ugh, it hurts so. I have so much I want to share and yet it’s still so deep, the reality of it all, it still hurts. The initial diagnosis wasn’t so heart wrenching, just half blind acceptance of what I couldn’t fully grasp until thrown ten feet deep into its trenches so deep. Oh, the picture of an M.S. devastated bedridden acquaintance that I had prayed for were enough for me to know the possibilities but how could I really have known how this diagnosis would change my life forever. Forever. Forever changed. How could I not be changed standing here in this blazing inferno with God’s presence surrounding me and the mockers looking in watching? Changed from the inside out and still being changed. I’m still in the fire. I’m still being refined and beauty is here in this place. Beauty in the fire with me. He is beautifying me in the fire.

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