Paralyzed and Hindered

I’ve been quiet on here lately and I’m sorry. It’s nothing against you. I write every day. It’s in the quiet thoughts of my soul, my heart drumming through fears, worries, joys and grace. I write in the recess of my mind all day. I just don’t make it to this black leather chair and this white screen. I long to write every day but most days I am paralyzed. Paralyzed by the depth of my own thoughts. Paralyzed by my own weakness. Hindered by the vastness of my mental ramblings.

Tonight, I will pound through the keys and let the Holy Spirit reveal a brick of weight and a crumb in the vastness of my soul. It’s waiting that is weighing. Waiting on news. Waiting for a second doctor to confirm a diagnosis and waiting even though I know the answer. My first diagnosis came so fast. I blinked and gave smiles in the ER. It wasn’t a brick. It was a feather, light and airy and I could see the presence of the Father so clear in that white, small, curtain enclosed room with my earthly daddy and then a few friends and then my husband. The four day stay was exhilarating and powerful and not a moment was lost with nurses and doctors and other patients. I look back and see the Holy Spirit indwelling and His power carrying me through a time that should have shook me.

Now the journey brings me sixteen months later to waiting. Waiting for this new neuro to confirm diagnosis. How could I be doing this good with my past history of “episodes” and how come I haven’t had any progress in my disease since my last MRI?Oh, I know how. My God-who-heals! My God who has guided my hand in the process of healing and my God who allows me to stay at this weak place physically and emotionally, so tied to Him that I only know His strength! Oh, doctor is stumped but my mind plays tricks on me as I wait. I wait for a spinal tap but really I wait to tap into the Life Giver, Peace Giver, Lover who never steers me wrong. Oh, I wait and the enemy tries to rob me of joy. The summer heat sucks my energy and the enemy robs me of peace. My guard has been down. My bed or a cave or anywhere I can curl up and sleep alone, just to be left alone sounds so enticing  and I realize it’s no where else but the Father’s lap I really want to be. There is no other sustaining place than His bent knee that I can rest my head.

Waiting was weighing but I lay it down to wait on Him. Rest my head upon His lap and wait in stillness. I’m waiting, Father, waiting…..

I take my eyes off of the weight and onto Him and I see He is still carrying me, keeping me, preserving me. Even as I fall asleep and life and worries and trials wait, He is still awake, not slumbering or sleeping. He is attentive and tender to my needs. He is fully acquainted with my thoughts before I am fully aware of them. His love washes over me with songs of sweet notes. I am alive again! I can face the waiting because I’m not waiting on doctor or results or what the world has to offer. I’m waiting in this resting place, waiting with expectant hope of my rescuer, my Sovereign Peace! He is here and that is enough for me! He is enough for me! He is enough! 

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