The Hard Choice: Accept the Illness, Still Believe for Healing and Be Content No Matter What

He didn’t know how those words would ring in my ears at the dinner table while watching my giggling children eat their dinner and talk in high pitched tunes about everything under the sun.

He didn’t know how pierced my heart would be and how deep the struggle and need to guard my thoughts.

The Grocery Clerk wanted to encourage me with a path for healing and I’m super excited to learn more about Apitherapy but those words stabbed deep. The words,

“My first wife died of M.S. at age 54.”

Silence. And then like a CD on repeat, those words kept playing in my mind all day.

Fifty Four?

I’m turning thirty four this year. If I were to die that young, my oldest son would be thirty, and then the next; twenty eight, and my baby girl; twenty six and and my baby would only be twenty four. No, no! It’s too young. What if they aren’t married yet? What if I don’t get good years with my grandchildren? What if they never see me like I never saw my mom’s mom alive? No!

And……It’s that horrible “What-If” game again.

It’s that painful struggle of facing the possibilities of my illness and yet believing the best; believing that I will live a long, healthy life and my husband won’t be changing my diapers at an age that I should be enjoying getting older and my kids are more independent.

The greatest battle is accepting my illness, still believing God for full healing in this lifetime and yet being content in whatever state I am.

You and I, we could die in a car crash next week and that is it, our time is done. We could live a life shortened by the effects of someone else’s sinful behavior or we could die of natural causes. We are not promised tomorrow. That is why we live to the fullest today! 

The reality is, this gentlemen (and he really is a gentlemen) doesn’t even know the protocol his first wife took to battle M.S. They were already divorced when she was diagnosed. He knows nothing other than that she died at 54 of the illness. And so, with my limited understanding of her story, I need not fret or allow discouragement. She is only one in many. Many fighters have lived long, fruitful lives with M.S.

I can’t think about tomorrow or next month or years down the road. I will choose today to do all I know to be healthy and strong and I will commit all I am doing into my Father’s hands. He loves me and His plans for me are for good. No matter if I live a life into  my eighties or much earlier I will live a life of hope because I have hope! 

These days on earth are only a shadow of the life to come. My hope lies in the place where no sickness, no sin, no evil remains. My hope lies in God Himself and His rescuing heart.

He is my hope!

David wrote, “Lord, make me to know my end, and what is the measure of my days, that I may know how frail I am. Indeed, You have made my days as handbreaths, and my age is as nothing before You; Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor, surely every man walks about like a shadow; surely they busy themselves in vain; he reaps up riches, and does know who will gather them.

And now, Lord, what do I wait for? 

My hope is in You.”

My hope is God. The God who sees. The God who provides. The God who loves the broken and picks us up and heals us from the inside out. My hope is far greater than healing of this nerve damaged body. My hope is Life Everlasting, Rivers of Living Water flowing to everlasting life, Joy unspeakable and fully of glory! My life is His and I trust Him to use my life to glorify His name in whatever way He so chooses or enables.

2 thoughts on “The Hard Choice: Accept the Illness, Still Believe for Healing and Be Content No Matter What”

  1. Oh Charise. I am weeping and praying for you right now! I remember the tears I cried when you were diagnosed…those tears are fresh again. Thank you for sharing your heart and your fears. You are not alone. We will walk this hard path together! You are an amazing woman of God and a huge encouragement to me!!!! I love you!


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