I was a young, teenage girl searching for the avenue to which my bleeding heart could be healed. The gashes of Daddy moving away and being raised in a single parent home ran deep into my being. It didn’t matter that I knew I was loved and daddy wasn’t far and that I had him every other weekend and Wednesday and sometimes days during the week too. It was broken home that broke me. The wound was deep and it bled onto each boy I had a relationship with. I clung to each one as if he were my last hope. Hope. They never told me not to put my hope in a boy. He might crush you and you, you might be the one to crush him. My veins cried out for rest from this crazy wave of impulses and heartache. With one such situation I wanted to end it all. I didn’t want to keep moving forward with this life. Why did it matter anyway? This life? What was I here for? Would anyone really miss me?
Alcohol was already luring me. Just a swig could numb the pain. Just a swig here and there and I wouldn’t get caught. Just a cigarette here and there and mama wouldn’t know. Addiction was grabbing at me and I was slowly being pulled into its grasp. Escaping seemed easier than facing the pain. I wasn’t desperate or daring enough to do the job.
Friends and fun weren’t lacking but as I stood surrounded by a crowd of friends the loneliness hovered around me, the emptiness deep. I was still lacking to be known or really it was to know. To know how much there really was to this life. To know the Giver of Life.
Religion wasn’t foreign to me and either was Jesus. I was raised in the Catholic church. I was involved in the youth group and loving it. I was a church going girl with a wild side and deep wounds. Because of my involvement in the church my sweet friend Crystal came to me with questions about heaven. I answered honestly. I didn’t know. I didn’t know how to get to heaven. I knew that I wanted to know.
And then I was invited to a Harvest Crusade by my best friend Cheree and her family. I borrowed her adorable clothes and dressed to the T to impress a much older boy who was going with us. I was going to impress and instead I was impressed upon by the Holy Spirit of Truth. I stayed in my seat at the Angels Stadium but I was struck by the words from the Pastor’s mouth and there was no shaking this electricity flowing through my veins. The following week I went to church with my friend and I had to sit on my hands during service. I couldn’t wait to go forward and surrender my life to Christ. I couldn’t wait to receive His gift of love. I was overcome. I wept as I met my Healer. That day was the beginning of my healing.