Throwing Tantrums

Like a toddler throwing a tantrum I have been as of late. Smiles for most to see but inwardly battling against my frustated self and  angry that I am still in this place of weakness. The Lord has known my struggle with Him. I sit in my oversized, cuddly chair and open His word and hunger for more of Him yet my toddler heart crosses its arms and throws a tantrum here and there just so He knows I am not happy that I haven’t fully recovered from my relapse that began too long ago. What’s up with that? I say. I am ready for this to be done now Lord. Ready…..beyond ready.

My bitterness is only a tiny seed but how that tiny seed can grow into an ugly, ferocious relationship eating monster! If I don’t cut it off and dig down deep to the root of the matter, oh my, what a mess I will be. I realize through the Lord’s faithful hand and gentle reminders that this illness is like a roller coaster. The ups and downs of relapse and recover sends our mind, emotions and body through good and bad, through  fight and surrender, through and denial and accepting. It almost seems that as soon as we have made great progress in recovering that our body decides to fight against us and we are right back to the beginning of having to surrender and trust in the Lord in the deepest of ways.

Is it really all that bad? Yes and no. Yes, because it is never constant. I am never quite sure what to expect and plans for the future are vague. The struggle is the slow process of no return. No, because in all of this ugly, I am clinging to the Father’s arms with all I have. I am weak and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I cannot do this life without Him and His arms carrying me. As a matter of fact, I don’t want to do life without a moment of His presence. He alone can cause me to thrive in the midst of physical deterioration. He alone can keep my mind at ease and it is through Him alone that I have hope!  How?

“Because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. All this for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away (rotting thoroughly), yet inwardly we are being renewed (renovated, grown up) day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. SO we fix our eyes NOT on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

I am praying for us today. May we let go of our frustrations and bitterness. May we uncross our arms and open them to our Abba Daddy again that we may have Peace in the midst. May we fix our eyes on eternity and the One who gave His life for us. His love is trust worthy. His love is good. He draws you and I back graciously, patiently, lovingly. You are His child. You are His creation in a fallen world. He is present and not distant from you. He is waiting for you and I to be done with our tantrum. Why? Because He loves us! His plans are still for good. Some day we will see and our eternal glory will far outweigh every thing we have battled in this life. Hallelujah!

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