I was a lost little girl looking for love in too many wrong places. I went from liking a boy to infatuation and then liking a new boy and then a new one and still fascinated and fixated on the infatuation boy. I was young and love hungry. It wasn’t that my parents failed me or that they didn’t love me because they did. They loved me in many ways deep and in the best ways they knew. I never, ever doubted their love for me.
Still, there was the dependency on relationships that weighed me down. I identified myself by the relationship I was in. I was jealous and afraid of losing each person I claimed. I held on tight and did the best I knew how while trying to be a good little Catholic girl. I didn’t know I was so insecure, so needy, so fragile.
I should have seen the signs when that boy I cared for so much broke up with me and I wanted to take my life. I really, really didn’t want to live anymore. I was beyond done. How did I move on? He decided we weren’t really done yet and we pushed through life, for a while. It was around that time that I surrendered my life to Jesus. This hopeless, searching, relationship dependent girl found the One I had been searching for; the safe net, security, identity that I had been aching for. It was Him! The relationship with that young man ended with so much pain in my heart yet freedom in my soul.
It took time for me to fully let go. I was still dependent on relationship, battling these deep insecurities that held me down and kept me from being free.
It was June or July after my eleventh grade year, I broke up with the Christian young man I had “promised” I would marry. I had his grandfather’s wedding ring on my hand. We were high school sweethearts. He was a great guy. It was beyond understanding. I knew it was time to let go. I knew if God wanted me to be with this person then He would bring him back into my life. I had to let go of this dependency. I had to lean totally into Christ or I was done. It was heart wrenching and incredibly freeing. I let go so I could hold onto the only One who could satisfy, the only One who could complete me.