I let go so I could hold onto the only One who could satisfy, the only One who could complete me. I let go of this relationship that brought such a comfort and identity. (Click here if you didn’t read “Relationship Dependent-Part 1”). Painful, yet freeing to let go of a stronghold.
I went into my senior year of high school with a new sense of life and fullness. I went to every dance with girl friends and had a blast! I set new boundaries with the opposite sex and began my journey of life without dating or boyfriends. It seemed extreme to many but for me it was the only way to break free. I really was free!
The journey leading up to my marriage relationship seemed a thousand years long. I knew when God brought “the one” that it would not take long before marriage. I also knew that keeping boundaries and getting to know someone in a healthy environment and not in a dating scenario was the best way for me. I had walls a hundred miles high. Just ask my husband. I was not easy to spend time with outside of work or bible study. 🙂 These were not to limit myself from getting married like many may have thought but to keep me from attaching to someone who was not meant for me. It took time; friendship, Real-deep conversations. Child rearing, family design, roles in marriage; all of these were conversations my friend Jason and I had in the break room at work. Just as friends. No pressure. Real life.
My heart began to be drawn to this man but I still kept walls high and I wanted to keep Jesus as my heart throb. This was the first man I had been interested in. It had been five long years since I gave up dating/boyfriends. Five years as a teen and young adult in college years. It was not easy but so very worth it.
Once I knew Jason cared for me as I did for him I still wanted to pray and just make sure that this was God and not me. 🙂 It didn’t take long. We were engaged a month after our first time alone together.
I still had those deep insecurities lurking in the background. I still had to lean totally into Jesus and not on this gift of a person God had brought to me. It was a new testing ground for me. I had to learn to trust this man’s integrity and to believe his faithful commitment to me but even as the years have gone by and now we have been married over twelve years I still have to lean into Jesus and believe in the integrity and faithfulness of my God over this gift of a man I was given. This amazing man is still a sinner, just as I am. He is not perfect and I cannot ever expect him to be perfect, sinless, unfailing because that is flat out NOT FAIR.
So, my God reminds me that Jason is my gift from above, he is not my Prince come to rescue me. I have already been rescued and there will be a day that my Prince of Peace will come riding on a white horse. I am reminded over and over again, like the people of Israel, to not forsake God, the spring of living water and to no longer dig my own cistern that is broken and unusable (Jer. 2:13). Over and over again God has reminded me to to come back to my first love (Rev. 2:4). He is my first love. He alone gets that place in my heart. God said to Israel, “How skilled you are in pursuing love!” (Jer. 2:33a) That was me. Good at pursuing love. Good at looking in all the wrong places and never finding satisfaction. He alone satisfies. He alone is truly good. He alone is worthy of our dependency and fully able to carry us.
Each of us have our own reason for pursuing love in all the wrong places. Or maybe we are relationship dependent and unaware of it. I highly encourage you to pray and ask God to show you. Ask the great Counselor to counsel you in this and bring freedom to your life and life of love.
I also highly recommend the book, “Don’t Call It Love: Breaking the Cycle of Relationship Dependency” by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz and Dr. Tim Clinton with Ann McMurray. I just finished reading this book and it opened my eyes to how great the Counselor has been in my life and how far He has freed me. My prayer is that each one of us would be free to receive God’s love fully, give God’s love fully and enjoy God’s love fully.
Click here to get the book, “Don’t Call It Love”. If you order through my link, I do get a tiny kickback from Amazon. Thanks for supporting me!