Yesterday, we pondered the foundations of building a healthy mentality of sexuality for our children. There are still so many ways we can build, brick upon brick, layer upon layer.
I believe a foundation of a healthy view of our bodies comes from being unashamed of our parts, the names of them or what they do because we willingly discuss them and celebrate the gift of the male body and the gift of the female body.
As we live life we keep constant communication with our children so that they can talk with us and ask questions and we can share with them.
Dates are a wonderful way we connect with our children one on one and we build strong relationships and security for our children. Doing life together allows us for impromptu conversations. A few years ago there was a night I was doing dishes and my son was sweeping the kitchen. It was perfect because boys don’t prefer face to face uncomfortable talks. They prefer side by side talks. I began to talk about the changes his body would begin making and what kinds of things happen to boys when they go through puberty. He really didn’t make a big deal about it even though I was anything but discrete. I was just preparing him for what he may encounter some day. 🙂
That was a few years ago and now we are encountering the deeper conversations. I ask my boys questions now. I ask what a kiss is for. I ask them what a kiss communicates and we ponder these things together. I ask what they would do if….. and we ponder the difficulties that may come with those choices.
I have told my children for years, “It isn’t IF you are exposed to pornography it is WHEN” and “What are you going to do when someone shows you pictures or they accidentally pop up on the internet?”. We discuss why it is important to guard our eyes. I have told my boys for years that when they become men their body’s will respond to women. That is because they were made to respond to their bride. They want to protect their thought life so that they can view their future wife with pure eyes and pure thoughts with nothing clouding their perception of her.
I remind my children that these are choices they have to make. I can’t make these choices for them. If my boys want to protect themselves well then they will need to set appropriate boundaries with young ladies and learn to treat the young girls their age as young women even now. I will have the same type of talks with my daughter but even now we discuss and choose clothing that is appropriate.
Nature is a wonderful way to help your children understand sex. When we would be outside playing and two bugs were mating, I would say, “Oh, look they are mating”. The first time, they would ask , “What is mating?”. I would say, “They are making babies”. When we would see a male bird wooing a female, I would point it out and segway into the mating and baby making experience for the animal. As we discuss how each baby was woven in my womb by God we explain that a Daddy’s sperm came together with mommy’s egg and then we would explain the process of conception to birth. The kids never asked how did daddy’s sperm get to mom’s egg. I gather they understood to some extent because we had watched it in bugs and animals.
A great segway into the nitty gritty of the sex talk is the God’s Design For Sex Series. Click here to see the different books. I bought, “What’s the Big Deal? Why God Cares About Sex” by Stan and Brenna Jones. This has been a great tool to get us started on conversations. Another great book for boys as they are preteens is “The Body Book for Boys” by Rebecca Paley. I am having my boys read this on their own and then we discuss the chapters. This talks about all things boy in an appropriate manner and it really helps us open up to talk about sex. Even though my baby girl is six we talk about what her body will do when she experiences puberty and why our bodies do these things. The boys are just as aware of what their sister will go through. These are normal, God given experiences and they are not to be ashamed of at all.
With all of these foundations built and steps leading up to the final “sex talk”, we find it really isn’t so bad. Our goal is to help our children understand that we are sexual beings and God created sex to be enjoyed in the right time and situation. A wonderful analogy is seeing a Christmas tree with loads of presents under the tree and if we choose to open them before Christmas morning we really miss out on the fullness of joy that is experienced with our loved ones when it is given in the way it was intended. There is such beauty in the experience of two virgins learning and growing sexually together in purity, in marriage. The world will make you think otherwise, but it is true. It is so very precious.
Last but not least, I really encourage you to pray and ask the Holy Spirit to guide your conversations day in and day out. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you to know when YOUR child is ready for each stage of the conversations. Some children are ready much younger than others and some children are going to be exposed to things at a younger age because of their exposure via the family situation, school, neighbors, etc. It is best for our children to learn the truth about sexuality from us so that they can discern when they see or hear the lies.
If you need more resources to guide your children, Focus on the Family has wonderful resources. They also have great resources for you as the parent if you are realizing your view of sexuality is not healthy. I am praying for your family and ours, that we would continue raising up a godly generation! I also have connections to an amazing counselor who can walk you through the journey to a healthy view of sexuality. You can find her at
I love that God’s word does not shy away from the conversations of sex and sexuality. Check out Song of Solomon. That amazing book is apart of God’s Holy Word. We don’t need to shy away either. Praying for us to continue finding joy in the gifts God has given us and to not feel ashamed of the gifts that our children will one day enjoy too.
“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.” Proverbs 5:18-19