A little push in my work out would be a good thing. I imagined myself going for a cruise on my bike with my sweet eleven year old, him burning extra energy and I, getting stronger.
The first two minutes were okay. I was adjusting to a new bike seat but before I knew it I realized my arms felt very strained and my legs were carrying more weight than usual when I ride. The cool air pushed against my straining body and refreshed my mind. We got to a point I knew we had to turn around. Dull, numbing pain flowing through my arms and legs I had to keep going to get home. When we pulled up to the drive way I knew if I stopped moving I was going to fall over. I exited my bike and parked it as soon as I could and began a weak walk-jog around the cul de sac. An exhilaration comes with pushing the body to do something it hasn’t done in a while but the dull ache was increasing and I was beginning to feel that I looked intoxicated, straining to move my body as if I was running a marathon but only barely moving my legs in a running stride. I managed to get myself to the driveway, step sideways one way, step sideways the other way, back and forth I moved in the shade and tried cooling my body down slowly, slowly.
I finally cooled down enough to enter the house and I lay on the floor of our hallway sobbing while my children covered me in ice packs, under the shirt, on the feet, on the head. I lay there in great frustration as I once again had to face the limitations this disease has caused me. When I was a freshman in high school I was on the Varsity soccer team. I played for two years in high school and pushed my body beyond it’s capacity. I loved it. I was in amazing shape and loved pushing my body. I can’t do that now. When I push myself now I pay for it emotionally, mentally and physically. I have to exercise carefully and wisely. I have to have someone with me just in case I lose my balance and fall or cannot get myself home. Wisdom is required not just recommended.
The roller coaster of M.S. is not an easy ride. You don’t get used to having relapses or exacerbations of symptoms and then recovering and then digressing again. You just don’t know what tomorrow holds. The rollercoaster brings ups and downs emotionally too. I had a rush of anger at my circumstance this week. “It’s not fair” poured from my tongue while I covered my face and sobbed in front of my comforting family. It’s. Not. Fair.
It took two days for me to have quiet with God and release all the anger and frustration I was overwhelmed by. Showers can be a quiet place for a mama to escape and it was there, late at night, in the tub, on my shower chair that water washed over me and my tears and surrender washed out my anger. God’s grace is enough. He is patient with me while I process. Patient with my anger and frustration. Full of grace for all my mess.
Today, as we celebrate the death and resurrection of our Lord, Jesus the Christ, I cannot stop singing the great hymn, “Because He Lives”.
I pray this blesses you too. Because He lives, we can face tomorrow. All fear is gone. He lives!