M.S. tired is when your eyes want to shut and your emotions are running wild because you just.can’t.do. it (whatever IT is) anymore. Fatigue is the word most people use but M.S. fatigue is a whole other beast. I want to stop whatever I am doing and cry or fall asleep or fall asleep crying. It has caused me to lean on caffeine more than desired and without it I rarely feel 100% awake. Driving is dangerous if I am not stimulated via caffeine. It is horrible but true. I have switched to mostly green tea because it truly is better for my body but I am still dependent on it to get me through the day to be present and focused.
Sad is not really the feeling I have. It is grief. Over and over again it is grief. Grief of what life once was and is now. Grief comes and goes but so do MS symptoms. They go up and down, sideways and forward and you never fully feel like you’ve landed on your feet again. As I come to grips with a new symptom of MS, an entirely new one begins. That is not the case for all MS patients. I just so happen to have a Progressive form of this “lovely” disease. With new symptoms are often new loses. Losing feeling in certain parts of my body causes a domino effect in other areas of my life. I cannot ignore it. It is facing me every day square in the face. I have to mourn the losses but still find a place where I hold onto hope.
I have been dealing with a lot of numbing, heaviness and emotional upheavals. Seeing the silver or gold lining in all of this becomes more and more difficult but I still have to choose to see, choose to push past the darkness, and see His light present in the day to day. I have to choose to rest when I just.can’t.do.it.anymore. I have to choose to grieve and then see the gifts surrounding me in the every day, the voices of sweetness, the hands that tenderly love me, the tender care of my spouse or the provisions of God to my family. I am incredibly blessed and I choose to see the blessings in the midst of the trials.